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  1. #1
    PokerOwned Demi-God DocHo11idaze's Avatar
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    Not mine, but probaly most epic post ever

    like title says, this was off another forum. has to be one of the most hilarious effing things ive ever read.



    Originally Posted by King Niche
    one time i was sitting in my house on my own i had just split up with my gf who was a crack head but she was nice.. the room was dark i was surrounded by bottles of piss half eaten sandwiches i even had a crust behind my ear i was quite sad because i was busto and heartbroken i thought maybe we would make it work and she would be my main squeese anyway she left me for a crack dealer..so at this point im feelin like ten dewey heart aching empty busto feeling and linger tilt from stacking off with a flush draw because some crotch monkey over bets the pot and i run into the swinging blade and throw up 2 clanging bricks and I just punch my ****in monitor almost put my fist through it and then i kicked my coffee table but not like a regular person no no no..i have to hit it as hard as I can with my ****ing shin!!!! wtff was i thinking im not van damme or some **** that hurt so bad i collapsed in agony and started crying i just laid there whimpering in agony sobbing and eventually the pain eased off but i had blood running all the way down my leg..i just laid there on the carpet for 2 hours staring into space i even knocked one out while laying in the recovery position i felt so lazy like a lazy slob and i smelt so rank like chinese food in a dumpster for days..i eventually get up im wearing stripey boxers and half of them is up my ass ive got my ass cheek showing but i dont care i sit at my pc and watch some 200/400 on betfair wishing i was in the game..i kept sitting at a table hoping i would have cash in my account i actually prayed to mary magdagascar..i check my emails and boooom titan poker have put free money in my damn account!!!!!!!!!!!!!! woooooooooooooo..it felt like a blessing. Its like 5 dollars..so I go straight to max but in 5c/10c or some BS where u get nit on nits and I run that **** up to 20 in no time, then I but in at 25/50 and I hit a big overset and and I make some decent bluffs I get my stack to 145..at this point im thinking ok just play this mother****ing cool dont be a degen waste of lung capacity but i say *** it i will take a shot at 2/4...

    so I pick the easiest table luckily for me they are all easy and first hand I shove with the doyle brunson just for good luck everyone folds secnd hand i get AA..I shove I get 2 callers an Iwin and im oer 400 i say**** this and i goto 5/10 witha short stack what else am i suppose to do..i run this upto 3k pretty easily and step up to 10/20 and in 3 hours I have 13k..then it happened..I GET KING ****ING KING and some guy called han solo (TILTED) raises me to 30 dollars I re raise to 180 He raises to 550 I call planning to shove any flop flop comes AAA ..he says to me in chat I HAVE IT and bets the pot im like wtf ..thats areverse reversal bluff damn *** he must have it **** i cant fold i felt my heart speed up kind of like a panic attack how can i fold this my dad is in my ear saying DONT CALL he has the 4 of a kind im like no dad let me play my own damn hands why cant you go and play poker with otis redding always ****** interfering ..and i start arguing with him cant believe i have gone from 5 dollars to over a 20k pot in just hours..I call and he flips over QQ..I FIST PUMP LIKE IM OHN MACKENROE SHOUTING NOW WHAT NOW WHAT DAD HE DIDNT SAY **** TURN QUEEN RIVER QUEEENNNNNNNNNNN>>OMFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG I MWAS SO ****IN MAD I STARTED SPITTINGup BLOOD FOAMING UP ...PUNCHED MY SELF in teh side of the head AND STARTED SHOUTING AT MY DAD INSIDE MY HEAD IM LIKE **** OFF LEAVE ME ALONE GET OUT OF My HEAD.. OMGG IM BUSTO AGAIN I FEEL LIKE A WORM WHO HAS HAS BIN SHOVELLED WHEN THE GROUND IS COLD OR MABE STUCK HIS HEAD IN A TURD..I FELT LIKE SUCH A ****INg DEGEN I COULD HAVE PLAYED 5/10 with 13k so easily and made decent rake and maybe found me some new pussy easily when i tell em im back to being a pro...first i burnt my hand on the stove on purpose omggg i was so wasted i went out in the backyard stark naked i started climbing the trees and just trying to get back to nature and forget the damn poker..loking back id lost my damn mind that pot had eloctrocuted my noodle..it started to rain and i looked so pathetic i couldnt even get a crack whore to stay with me and I had a big hemmaroid and my white pastey body stood out under the grey sky i must have looked like a sagging bag of milk...

    ..all i wanted to do was grind for 18 hours a day and fester in my own filth and live the life of a poker pro grind on the mind till i die make my tomb a house of cards.. i wanted to give up so bad.. now i was busto and i couldnt see a break in the clouds or any hope the next day when i woke up i had to masturbate just so i could get out of bed i browsed 2+2 and went back to bed for 3 days..I didnt even get up to go peepee i just pissed the bed because i was busto and nothing else mattered..i kept reminded myself that atleast i nwasnt the fat sloth puppet in that movie seven where he gets locked in a bat cave and is made to eat spaghetti till his guts spill open..but this didnt make me feel any better..
    whats urine and the smell of a cheesy ritz cracker ass crack when you lost a 26k pot? i didnt give a **** about pissing on myself by that point..i could of had a milllion dingelberries attatched to my ass i wouldnt have cared...i was so upset the lowest point for so long even lower than when i talked myself out of a guy giving me a BJ for $100 I just couldnt do it..i felt lower than when my mom force fed me flowers..I almost killed myself on day 2 when metallica came on the radio..i dont know how I ever made it out alive..i always swear to this day it was just the hope of being back in action someday..it lifted me out of the bottomless pit and gave me reason to live and breathe..never quit guys..not even when they are dragging your face through the ****..there is always someone worse off than you..like a guy with a glass eye with a fish in it....keep grind on the mind
    Turtleboooy: lol when i come on i think f*** that Doc guy but i dont know why...haha

  2. #2
    PokerOwned God Drywallman3's Avatar
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    wow I actually read this, I must say if this is true what a testimony. I have never been to that bottom but I do know what it's like to blow a roll and wonder what the hell am I going to do now lol thanks for the cheer up doc..............

    20:58 <Poof> I would trade my husband for gisele
    18:37 <thepokerkid> @thepokerkid: and stop thinking about gay things

  3. #3
    Seasoned Veteran
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    whatttt the fuckkkk

  4. #4
    PokerOwned Demi-God gimmeabrew's Avatar
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    ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLL i read this like 4 or 5 months ago and pissed myself lol
    "Heard you're looking for a stud. Well, I got the S-T-D. All I need is you. " - Rooster

  5. #5
    PokerOwned Demi-God DocHo11idaze's Avatar
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    true or not its epic haha. i almost pissed myself as well first time i read it haha. just so full of win in a degen way
    Turtleboooy: lol when i come on i think f*** that Doc guy but i dont know why...haha

  6. #6
    Experienced Member tjntaco's Avatar
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    OMG I just want to give.....no wait, I want to PAY someone to give this guy a hug. I was gonna say I hope things are better now but how could they NOT be. lol

  7. #7
    PokerOwned Master
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    this is epic, if this is true haha

  8. #8
    PokerOwned God
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    learning to play on line poker - there was no such thing as bank roll management. Just this guy in my head. then I learned that the house always wins. The house being the guy that has a huge stack that put u all in every hand till his 22 sets. and u accept the $100 for the bj. lololololololol

  9. #9
    PokerOwned Demi-God
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    LMAO, this truly EPIC.............................................. ........
    JUST PLAYIN FOR FUN


  10. #10
    Gods' God's God PokeYourFace's Avatar
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    i dont know about this story. all i know, is on the bubble of a tourney im gonna limp Q6o, under the gun, and call a 3,5 times raise with it. that's how u win. thats all i know. i will probably win b2b this way
    Last edited by PokeYourFace; 04-07-2013 at 09:50 AM.
    RANGER (B2B HU LOYALTY GAME CHAMP! DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE NOOB? NO, NO YOU DON'T!)

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