Dyrantula's Daily Dose of Laughter

I decided to just make one thread and post all my collection of jokes instead of making one thread and another to avoid being banned for spamming :p . I hope you enjoy! and Please rate this thread if like it. And don't hesitate to add your jokes i'll post here as often as i can.
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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and
clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it started"
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Deathbed

Jake was on his deathbed while his wife, Becky, maintained a steady vigil by his side. As she held his fragile hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to quiver with sound.

"My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep Shhh! Don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend and our next door neighbor."

Becky mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Jake, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
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A new Army Captain

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".
That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges", so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges".
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?",
No . not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
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Enjoy!

An American, a Spaniard and a Frenchman are walking on a beach when they discover a genie's lamp.

The American rubs the lamp and the genie appears in a puff of blue smoke. She announces to the trio that they will receive a total of three wishes, one each, so they should consider their wishes wisely.
The Spaniard is first, and asks the genie to make his country fruitful, his countrywomen beautiful and his traditions preserved. The genie grants the wish.

The Frenchman is second. "I'm sick and tired of my homeland being invaded every half century. I would like an impenetrable wall built to protect my beloved France, one which no one can scale." The genie grants the wish.

The American thinks for a moment, and asks the genie, "I'm curious about this wall. How big is it?" The genie replies, "The wall around France is 150 high and 50 feet thick. It cannot be penetrated from either side, or climbed, and all the French people of the world are safe inside."
"Great," says the American. "Fill it with water."

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?

Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Dublin, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.........
He thought he was having his photo taken."

A depressed young women is about to leap to her death off the brooklyn bridge when a young sailor sees her and yells, "dont jump!". "why" she responds, "I have nothing to live for. My life is pathetic."
"listen" he replies, " I am sailing for europe in the morning. Ill sneak you onto our ship and bring you food every day. We could keep each other company. Whaddya think, Deal?"
She agrees, and the sailor as promised sneaks her onto the ship and stows her onboard. He brings her a sandwich each day, and they ravage each other lustfully till sun up every morning. Three weeks later the captain stumbles into her stow away cabin and demands to know who she is and what she thinks she is doing onboard.
"I have a deal with one of the sailors," she replies. "I am going to europe with him and he brings me food."
"Whats he getting out of all of this?" asks the captain.
"Well i'm screwing him," the girl explains.
-After a second of thinking about it the captain looks at her and says, "Naw, your not screwing him, he's screwing YOU.." "This is the Staten Island Ferry deary..."

Men Turning Into Women

Yesterday, scientists for the US Drug Administration suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.


To test the finding, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and went to the bathroom excessively. No further testing is planned.

A guy on trial for murder decides to bribe a juror so he can escape the death penalty. He tells a blonde on the jury that he'll give her $10,000 if she pushes for manslaughter. She agrees.

Days later the jury finds him guilty of manslaughter, and he's taken to jail. There he uses his one call to ring up the blonde juror.

"Thank you so much for saving me," he gushes.

"No problem. But it wasn't easy," the blonde replies. "Everyone else wanted to acquit you."

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling
too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife
would be pleasant and say ?Happy Birthday,?
and would probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday."
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember."

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said,
"Good morning boss, Happy Birthday."
So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,
let's go to lunch, just you and me.? " said, "By George,
that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go;
we went out into the country to a little private place.
We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day.
We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind,
I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and,
in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,
followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.


All were singing "Happy Birthday" and there on the couch I sat... naked.

And that is why I fired my secretary!

that is a lot to read:D i red the first post only:)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kohorton

that is a lot to read:D i red the first post only:)

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Yes. You can share your jokes here too if you have some :D..

Here's another one...

A hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear.

"You've got two choice," says the bear. "I maul you, or we have sex."

The guy opts to take it from the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the pissed-off hunter searches out and shoots the big black bear. Just then the hunter feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a ten foot grizzly standing over him.

"Admit it," says the bear. "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

There’s this Christian who’s out hiking in the woods one day when he runs into an angry bear.The bear stood up on its hind legs and growled ferociously, obviously preparing to charge.

Panicking, the Christian began to run - but the bear was hot on his heels. Finally the hiker came up to a cliff, so he dropped to his knees and asked God to please make this bear a good Christian bear.


To the hiker’s complete astonishment, the bear suddenly stopped growling, fell to his knees and folded his paws together in prayer!


"Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the Christian.



"Thank you, Lord," exclaimed the bear, "for this meal I'm about to receive!"

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
graders
> using a bowl of lifesavers.
>
> He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time,
and
> asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began
to
> say:
>
> Red............cherry
> Yellow........lemon
> Green........lime
> Orange.....orange
>
> Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
> After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could
identify
> the taste.
>
> "Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might
> sometimes call your father."
>
> One little girl looked up in horror , spit hers out and yelled, "Oh,
my
> God! They're assholes!"

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

Dead Husband
A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be found guilty?"

Magic Cure
Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little apprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I don't know...I think she choked."

Three Drunk Women
Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".

To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"

“Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner..... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back
and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.
"How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up
to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game,

a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,

and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes,
I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"...

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest
little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit,
or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels,
puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet
voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,"Do you want to have sex?"

"No." she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes",she replied.

Then I said,"I'd like to phone a friend."